I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
