my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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