It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
