he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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