pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
