My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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