dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How does one acquire holy water?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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