she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
