Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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