My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
