dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
