Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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