I accidentally had phone sex last night
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
