can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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