everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
