Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
