Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
