Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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