my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
