I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
