In America we eat man semen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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