Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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