when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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