I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
