i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
