so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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