Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
