so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
