Your mouth is God's brothel.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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