You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
