More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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