Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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