You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
