The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
