so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
