Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize