Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
