You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
