I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
