Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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