someone threw a dead crab at me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
