bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
