drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
