im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize