I just made out with a guy for $7.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
