just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
