please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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