Non-Jews are for practice
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
