the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
