Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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