Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
