Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
