nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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