8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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