I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Man, jail baloney is awful.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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