I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
