You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
