I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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