Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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