I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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