oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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