If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize